Meet the Parents/両親に会うってヤバイ( ̄д ̄;)

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I’m an American girl engaged to a Japanese guy, and in December of this year I will meet his family at their home in Japan. I’ve met his father before in America while we were dating, and I’ve Skyped with his mother, but now we are engaged and it feels like a bigger meeting.

It’s important to me to make a good impression on them. After all, they are now going to be a part of my family. My Japanese skill level is high enough that I try to avoid making use of the “gaijin (foreigner) pass” as much as possible. I would rather be appropriate than have to be excused for mistakes because I’m a foreigner.

So I’ve been asking for lots of advice! These are the top 4 hints I’ve compiled from advice from friends and the internet.

アメリカ人だけど、フィアンセは日本人ですよ。今年の12月に日本に行って、フィアンセの両親に会うから、ちょっと緊張してますね。彼のお父さんはアメリカに一回会って、お母さんとスカイプしたことあるけど、日本で会うのは婚約したから初めてだからちょっと緊張してますね。

フィアンセの両親は直ぐ自分の両親になるから、良い印象あって欲しいと思いますよ。外国人だけど、間違わないように頑張ってますよ。これから、友達から、後はインターネットで見つけた(笑)、四つのアドバイスを書こうと思いましたね。

1. Don’t panic.

Take a deep breath, don’t worry, it will be fine! I have anxiety about meeting the parents, but this is just the way I handle everything (from job interviews to telling my friend those shoes don’t match her outfit). If you are thinking about panicking, don’t!

If Japanese parents are meeting you, they are open to your relationship and unlikely to judge you harshly. Parents of children interested in international relationships tend to be open-minded and accepting. Racism is pretty rare. If racism is a likely issue, your partner will hopefully warn you ahead of time.

まずは、安心したほうが良いです。相手の両親だったら、国際関係を受け入れてくれたから問題ありませんね。別に差別しないと思いますね。もし両親は反対していたら、多分紹介しないじゃない?(。´∀`)ノ

2. Be ready for international communication

If you’ve been in an international relationship for any amount of time, you must have experience with international communication and its trials and tribulations. Meeting the parents will present a whole new set of challenges, from language barriers to etiquette. Hopefully your relationship will have helped you to practice overcoming some of these challenges.

The most important thing to remember is to be flexible! Adapt to the different ways of doing things and the different manners. Try to learn about Japanese customs but focus on the major rather than the minor rules. Passing food between chopsticks while eating is a major no-no (since this is done with bones at funerals), while not slurping your ramen is something that can be overlooked.

Even if you do make a few cultural faux pas, they will forgive you. Also, don’t take being laughed at too personally. My friends laugh at me all the time, and they all tell me that it breaks the tension when a mistake has been made and is meant to put you at ease. (Of course, they could just be lying, but I choose to believe them for my own sanity.)

やっぱり、外国語でちゃんと言う事を伝えるのは難しいですね。日本とアメリカの文化が違うから、間違うときもあるかもしれません。でも、頭が柔らかかったら、問題ないですね!

ちゃんと習慣を調べておいて、大事な習慣を覚えておけば良いと思います。例えば、葬式の習慣だと、お箸からお箸に食べ物を渡すのはダメですよ。そのような事をしないように気をつけないといけませんよ。逆に、ラーメンをすすらなくても大丈夫でしょ。

ちょっと間違えても、外国人だから大体両親は許してくれますね。間違わないように頑張るけど、ちゃんと常識があれば問題ありませんよ。

3. Bring an omiyage (souvenir)

In Japan the custom of gift-giving is a big thing. It’s customary to bring an omiyage (a gift or souvenir) when you have been travelling. I recommend bringing omiyage for all relatives that you will meet.

For my fiancé’s parents I will bring one non-perishable (not edible) gift and one perishable (food) gift each. For other relatives, I would bring food. For example, there are famous caramels that are local to where I live, and I can get them inexpensively in bulk, so I am going to bring several, plus extra.

When it comes to non-perishable gifts, I always try to pick something that will fit in with any taste or style, and that will not become an obstacle. So, rather than a large Napoleon-esque portrait of myself astride a stallion for the entrance (genkan), I opted for a simple vase for his mother created by a Native American artist. My fiancé has hinted that his mother associates Native Americans closely with America, so I hope she will like it.

両親にお土産をあげないといけませんね。日本のお土産習慣はアメリカの習慣より強いと思いますよ。フィアンセの両親に置物と食べ物をあげようと思いましたよ。お母さんに北米土人が作った花瓶をあげて、後こころへんの有名なキャラメルを買っておきました。良いかなぁ…

4. Modesty is important

Japanese women in general dress more modestly than Americans, so your partner’s parents will expect you to be dressed modestly. Guys, too, should not dress over-the-top in gangster style with underwear exposed. You want to make a good impression, right?

In addition to modesty clothing, PDA is not acceptable in front of the parents. In America PDA is pretty common, especially at university or in public places, but in Japan it’s not common at all. Even hand-holding is still pushing it, depending on the generation. Making out in front of his parents isn’t recommended to make a good impression!

PDA in America, in front of strangers, is acceptable for my fiancé, but PDA in Japan or in front of friends is not acceptable. I don’t want to embarrass him or myself, so I honor his request. I didn’t think that even Americans would have certain forms of PDA in front of their parents, but I’ve heard from some friends that they will have PDA in front of their parents, and I was surprised.

アメリカ人の女の子の洋服は日本人のよりちょっと…何って言えば良い?体魅力的って言えば良いかなぁ(笑)。ま、日本でアメリカの洋服を着るのはちょっと恥ずかしいですね。だから、両親の前、そういう洋服を着ませんね。

後、アメリカで人前イチャイチャするのはあんまり気にしない習慣がありますよ。でも、日本では人前イチャイチャしませんよ。得に、両親の前はしませんね。アメリカ人でも、両親の前イチャイチャしないと思ったけど、知り合いがチュウとかハグとか両親の前でもするって言ってびっくりしましたね。

Wish me luck!

Did you meet your international partner’s parents? Any good/funny/bad stories? I have 2 months until I meet the parents, so if you have any last-minute advice, please let me know (。・ω・。)

国際関係したことありますか?その人の両親に会いましたか?

後2ヶ月日本に行くから、もしアドバイスがあったら、是非教えてください(。・ω・。)

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6 thoughts on “Meet the Parents/両親に会うってヤバイ( ̄д ̄;)

  1. I am sure it will be fine! Don’t be nervous 🙂

    I met my boyfriend’s parents (Chinese) a few months after we started dating and they were way more nervous than I was, haha.

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    • Thank you! I am hoping it will be fine! I doubt that they can be as nervous as me, but having talked to them before and receiving a positive response makes me a bit more confident. I’m glad your meeting with the bf’s parents went well!

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  2. Meatballhead

    So interesting that you are engaged to a Japanese man! I heard Japanese people keep to themselves and don’t talk to foreigners much, unless they are the kind that went to international school. How did you meet, if you don’t mind me asking?

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    • Japanese people in general tend to be shy when compared to Americans or Australians, but it’s not always the case. Japanese people with an interest in foreign countries or speaking foreign languages will talk to foreigners in Japan or they will study abroad and meet foreign friends. It really depends on the person! If they don’t speak English very well or at all, they might seem shy because they don’t think they can communicate effectively and won’t approach a foreigner.

      If you want to meet Japanese people, you might consider approaching them first. A lot of my friends have told me that they are pretty shy to approach other people, and they like it when a foreigner wants to talk about Japan with them.

      I don’t mind! I met my fiancé when he was studying English at my university here in America. I also met my previous Japanese boyfriend at university. I just didn’t happen to meet any guys I was interested in dating when I studied abroad in Japan (although I wasn’t actively looking either).

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  3. Tama

    Ah, don’t worry too much about it Kei! Don’t forget that his parents are as nervous as, if not more so than, you are, and worry about offending you, as well. Nobody should expect perfection, including you.
    PDA difference is there, but I think we tend to make a bigger deal than it should be. I (Jp man) hold hands with my wife (Am woman) in front of my parents fine, and it’s not like I would make out with her in front of her parents!
    Good luck, in any case! For better (support, trust) or for worse (unwanted intrusion), once you are “in the family,” you are indeed. Perhaps you should enjoy the last moments of freedom from the (future) in-laws! 🙂

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    • Thanks for the advice! I can’t help trying to at least appear like I know what I’m doing, but I’m sure it will be fine.

      I think my idea of PDA is like an “old woman” so I roll my eyes at a lot of Americans. Most people don’t care, especially here at university, so I see a lot to roll my eyes at.

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